A humorous perspective of the illegal immigration issue in the United States.
In a startling announcement, President Vicente Fox of Mexico revealed that his nation has solved its immigration problem with the U. S. by requesting annexation as a province of China. As a result of its new status, a plentitude of domestic jobs will be available.
He made the surprise announcement, not during his recent visit to America, but immediately upon returning to Mexico.
Mexicans by the millions cheered the decision, throwing fiestas nationwide, with shouts of “Viva Mexico!” “Viva China!” And the air rang out with the triumphant neologism, “MexiChina, Ole!”
In his address to the Mexican nation, President Fox stated, " Today, I announce that our nation has become a proud province of China. As a result, we will have more than enough jobs to keep our hard-working people employed at home – and in much better jobs than they find as migrant workers in the U. S.”
He went on to explain, “Now, it is time for American companies to invest in Mexico to the same extent that they invest in the rest of China. Finally, it is time for them to take advantage of all the cheap labor right next door. Finally, it is time for Mexico to have countless new factories and, in time, as big a trade imbalance with America as the rest of China. Finally, the label “Made in Mexico” will come to stand for everything from knives and forks to Nikes.”
The Chinese were delighted by the Mexican offer, noting, “Acquiring Mexico as a province is even better than conquering Taiwan. There’s more cheap labor there, and since it’s right in America’s backyard, we’ll be able to save on shipping charges. So we’ll be able to manufacture and deliver goods even more cost effectively than we’ve been able to with our own cheap labor.”
As expected, U. S. companies immediately reacted to the possibility of outsourcing production to Mexico. As the CEO of an American company that was an early entrant into China stated, “It’s absolutely wonderful to know there’s so much cheap labor so close to home. I never realized it until Mexico became part of China. You can be sure production orders from us will soon be heading down Mexico way!”
President Fox, when pressed by a reporter about how he thinks Mexican workers can compare with Chinese workers in terms of their willingness to work long hours for low pay, he replied, “What do you think the entire immigration problem proves? We’ve got millions of workers who are so dedicated they risk their lives to earn a relative pittance north of the border.”
The response from Washington was clearly negative. President Bush stated, “Mexico is in this hemisphere and has no business being part of China. In addition, we were well along the way to solving the border problem with fences and the National Guard.”
A reporter questioned if the fence and the presence of the National Guard might have helped push Mexico toward China.
“Of course, not,” Mr. Bush contended. “We all know the fence is not an impediment to Mexican-American relations. It would only keep out the people who aren’t fast climbers, and that’s just a small minority.” Then, quoting poetry, as he often does, he continued, “And, just like Robert Frost said, ‘Good fences make good neighbors.’”
Democrats were quick to castigate the President and Republicans everywhere.
Senator Edward Kennedy exclaimed, “I can’t tell you how upset I am about this. If we had had wiser guidance from the White House, we would have thought to advise our corporations a long time ago that they didn’t have to export jobs clear to China, when they could find inexpensive labor right across the border in Mexico.”
Senator Charles Schumer, always prescient, noted, “I knew that fence would not be good for Mexican-American relations. As I said during the Senatorial debates on immigration, the fence is really just like the pistol permit laws. Criminals don’t line up for them. They just go get a gun. And Mexicans intent on becoming illegal immigrants will find a way to scamper over the wall and slip past the Guard.”
Republican John McCain, straight from his clamorous reception at New York’s New School, said, “I think the fact that Mexico has become a province of China is probably not a good thing for the long term and I’m not sure it’s even good in the short-term. Of course, we wouldn’t want Mexico to become part of America, either, which, given the level of illegal immigration we have, is actually kind of what is happening.”
Dick Cheney was solidly against the annexation, stating, “This change in nationhood is unacceptable. And, once something like this gets going, there’s no telling where it will stop. Next thing you know Venezuela, Peru, and Cuba will be flying the Chinese flag. We must prevail upon the Mexican government to recant. If the President asks, I’ll fly down there and tell President Fox these things myself.”
President Bush did not immediately comment on the Cheney offer, perhaps recalling the diplomatic disturbance the feisty Vice President created during his trip through Eastern European nations, when he overtly castigated Russian President Vladimir Putin for backsliding on democracy.
Meanwhile, illegal immigrants in the United States began to stream back to Mexico, so they could be among the first to line up for the many new factory jobs that will soon be available. In a last-ditch effort to mollify the Mexican government, President Bush seemed to indicate that he might cancel construction of America’s walled answer to the immigration problem. Since the wall is no longer necessary, there was some chance that the modification would meet with Senate approval.
An American who was opposed to immigration cheered the change. “The Mexicans are leaving town as soon as they can get their things together. What do I care if Mexico had to become part of China to get them back into their own country?”
Another American, however, had a different take. “I think it’s a shame we didn’t think of exporting jobs to Mexico while it was still the land of tacos and enchiladas, not egg rolls, too.”
About the Author:
Tom Attea, humorist and creator of http://newslaugh.com/, has had six shows produced Off-Broadway and has written comedy for TV. Critics have called his writing ""delightfully funny" and "witty" with "good, genuine laughs."