By Britt Gillette
Years ago, Rush Limbaugh coined the term "adult beverages" to refer to alcoholic drinks. Yet millions of dittoheads across the Fruited Plain lacked a guide for making the best adult beverages. So I created The Dittohead's Guide to Adult Beverages, a collection of humorous dittohead recipes such as the Rio Linda Rouser, EIB Ecstasy Elixir, Club G'itmo Guzzler, and many more!
Just try out these great recipes:
DEAD WHITE GUY GINGER ALE
Glass: A Clay Bowl Stolen from Native Americans (by dead white conquistadors)
1 Part Vodka (a colorless ingredient symbolizing white European oppression)
3 Parts Ginger Ale (containing blood-thirsty, intolerant, white supremacist sugar)
A Splash of White Wine (reminiscent of Napoleonic French imperialism)
A Splash of Lemon-Lime Juice (made from fruit hand-picked by indentured servants)
A Dash of Sugar (due to safety concerns, no brown sugar allowed)
Instructions: While attending a college seminar on multiculturalism, with an emphasis on Native American, Afro-centric lesbian poetry, combine ingredients in a clay bowl stolen from Native Americans. Consume on Columbus Day while attacking white males who have the audacity to continue to breathe.
Origin: This adult beverage is named in honor of Christopher Columbus – a capitalist, European bigot responsible for the death and murder of eighty trillion pacifist, nature-loving Native Americans (and a man whose lone accomplishment was the "discovery" of someone else's backyard).
Special Warning: Under no circumstances should you add brown sugar to this adult beverage, as it is sure to be ravaged and destroyed by the racist, imperialist, homophobic white sugar already present in the ginger ale.
AFFIRMATIVE ACTION AMBROSIA
Glass: A Measuring Cup (to ensure precise fulfillment of quotas)
0 Parts Light Rum (using light rum is insensitive to minority rums)
3 Parts Dark Rum (to rectify the past injustice of rampant light rum preferences)
3 Parts Soda (cola is preferred over a lighter soda, such as Sprite)
Quotas That Aren't "Quotas" (except that they really are quotas)
Instructions: While throwing an "affirmative action bake sale" on a local college campus, or campi (the preferred EIB plural form for those of you in Rio Linda), combine ingredients in a measuring cup. Consume while labeling as "racist" any of your friends or companions who dare to add light rum to their favorite adult beverages.
Origin: This adult beverage is named in honor of government-sanctioned discrimination. Make sure that you don't add light rum to this adult beverage when dark rum is available instead. Failure to do so may result in court-ordered sensitivity training.
Special Note: A firm supporter of government-sanctioned discrimination, the NAALCP (National Association for the Advancement of Liberal Colored People) dreams of the day when prohibition will be re-instituted in America – with only "light" rum banished from the shores of the United States.
P.S. Forward this page to 15,067 Rush Limbaugh fans in the next 7 minutes or you will be stricken with eight agonizing years of a Hillary Clinton presidency and/or the appointment of Ted "The Swimmer" Kennedy as your designated driver!
About the Author: Britt Gillette is author of The Dittohead’s Guide to Adult Beverages (Regnery 2005).