Kim Jong be-Il-lin’

by Thomas Lindaman

With the recent news that North Korea tested a nuclear weapon, the world is left asking one question: Will Samuel L. Jackson sign on for a sequel to "Snakes on a Plane"? Yes, our mindset towards North Korea’s nuclear program has been…well, lacking. We’ve paid more attention to Anna Nicole Smith than to Kim Jong Il. And judging from the size of Smith’s…talent, I can see why.

As the situation in North Korea starts getting more tense, we look to our political leaders for answers. President George W. Bush has started talking tough, pushing for sanctions against the country and saying the international community will react. How? By letting us do everything and then complaining about what we’re doing? Yeah, that’ll work, just like it’s worked for the UN all these years.

Since Bush doesn’t have a good idea, what about the Democrats? They’ve come out and blamed the President for his bad policy towards North Korea, so naturally you’d think they have a better plan. Given that both Bill Clinton and Madeline Albright were tricked by Kim Jong Il into thinking the little guy was cooperating, I’m not sure I can take the Democrats that seriously. It’s like getting scammed in a game of One Card Monty.

So, who do we turn to for answers? Since you’re reading my column, I guess I should come across with some. Fortunately, I do have a few.

1) Let him try to launch a nuke. Without a doubt, Kim Jong Il is the most delusional leader this side of Howard Dean. He’s what would happen if Mao Tse Tung and Ross Perot had a kid. (Okay, I’m going to need therapy after that analogy.) He has a Napoleon complex to beat the band, so what does he do? He’s trying to turn North Korea into a superpower. However, there is one slight problem. Seems his missile technology is derived from the same aerodynamic engineering that you can find in a balsa wood toy airplane with a wind-up propeller and a rubber band. If Kim Jong Il keeps that up, he’ll take himself out of the picture.

2) Laugh at Kim Jong Il. Kim Jong Il is also an egotistical man. Anybody who is that ugly and has that many picture of himself up in public has to be. Either that or he got one heck of a deal through Olan Mills. The best way to handle people like that is to mock him. I suggest we jam all radio and television frequencies in North Korea and play "Team America: World Police" on a continuous loop until Kim Jong Il plays ball. Sure, he’ll get mad and stomp about, but what can he do? He can’t launch a missile at us for the reason referenced above, and he can’t just let it go. He’s in the ultimate no-win situation. The only way to make it worse would be to make him the new permanent co-host of "The View."

3) Negotiate. I’m sure Kim Jong Il just wants to talk, so why not give him an open forum to talk out our differences in peace? GOTCHA!..

4) Hit North Korea where it hurts. Anybody can order a tactical strike on a country and destroy valuable parts of its infrastructure. The thing about that tactic is that infrastructure can be rebuilt given time, money, materials, and manpower. What isn’t as easy to recover is national pride. If we can get the North Koreans to see Kim Jong Il as weak, goofy, and ineffective, that would inspire them to take action. And I have just the thing to make that happen. Replace all of Kim Jong Il’s wardrobe with Jimmy Carter costumes.

5) Use the carrot and stick approach…with a twist. Sometimes when you deal with people, you have to offer them an incentive to get them to do what you want them to do. Kim Jong Il seems to work on that principle. If we want him to work with us in the future, maybe we could offer to let him have more access to our nuclear technology. Of course, if I were in charge, that technology would be in the form of a bomb dropped right on top of Kim Jong Il, but that’s me…

And the ultimate solution to the North Korea problem…

6) Seven words: US Ambassador to North Korea Mark Foley.

Thomas Lindaman is a Staff Writer for the New Media Alliance, Inc. and The New Media Alliance is a non-profit (501c3) national coalition of writers, journalists and grass-roots media outlets. He is also Publisher of

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