The Political Incorrect Blog

Archive for the ‘Humor’ Category

President Obama has often been looked to as a prophet; an almost Godlike figure. So, it seems appropriate to see how the Old Testament would look if Obama had been a part of it…

In the beginning there was only Hillary.

And the Democrats were without form.

And there was corruption, and lying, and deceit, and intimidation.

And then the spirit of Obama came and moved upon the waters.

And Obama said Let there be hope and change.

And Obama saw the hope and change, and said that it was good.

And Obama said Let there be a stimulus plan.

But unto Obama and his plan, the people had not respect.

And Obama saw the wickedness among the people of the United States.

And Obama said unto the people of the United States 'Let my stimulus plan pass'.

And Obama gave money to banks, insurance companies and car companies and said that it was good.

But the hearts of the people were hardened.

And the people wanted to know why the unemployment rate was over 10%.

So Obama needed to speak to the Lord.

And he went to the special place where he could seek the counsel of the Lord.

And from the other side of the mirror, God spake unto Obama, saying, Go speak to your wife Michelle and tell her to speak to the children of the United States.

And Michelle went forth and spake unto the people of the United States, saying unto them,

Whatsoever containeth polyunsaturated fats, ye shall not eat.

All fast food, whether it cometh from dwellings with golden arches or from Kings, shall be an abomination unto you.

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The way the current United States administration has disregarded the constitution and the will of the American people, is there any point left in having a constitution? From the Bastion of Urban Renewal and Progress (BURP), here is a new, re-writing of the US Constituion. 

For Making The Constitution More Compatible With The Modern Age

This proposal has been created and authorized by our organization, the Bastion of Urban Renewal and Progress (BURP).  This is a community organization which has its home office on the upper west side of Manhattan, and is dedicated to the betterment of humanity, the cleanliness of the earth and the causes of equality within and between all nations.

We here at our organization (BURP) have always considered the constitution a living and breathing document that should be updated periodically to reflect the changing needs of our community.  However, it has gotten more difficult over the years to take a document that was written in the 18th century and keep it contemporary.  Therefore, rather than amend the constitution, and continue to put tape and paper clips on an old and out-dated document, it is time for a complete re-writing of the constitution.  We will start here with the first 10 amendments known as the Bill of Rights.

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Yogi Berra is definitely a character and certain Yogi Berra quotes sum up his personality to a tee. His birthday, May 15th, is right around the corner and these fifteen famous Yogi Berra quotes are a fabulous way to celebrate this American icon.

1. "You should always go to other people's funerals. Otherwise they won't come to yours."

2. "Never answer an anonymous letter."

3. "Little League baseball is a good thing because it keeps the parents off the streets and the kids out of the house."

4. "A nickel ain't worth a dime anymore."

5. "I never blame myself when I'm not hitting. I just blame the bat and if it keeps up, I change bats. After all, if I know it isn't my fault that I'm not hitting, how can I get mad at myself?"

6. "The game is supposed to be fun. If you have a bad day, don't worry about it. You can't expect to get a hit every game."

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There are some things that can be said about all Mark Twain quotes, regardless of which one it is you're referring to. One, they're witty. Yes, Mr. Twain was one witty character. Two, they bring a smile to your face. Whether you're smiling because you think it's funny or you're smiling because you completely relate (even if a bit embarassingly), Mark Twain quotes can crack a grin on the most stoic of faces.

Here are 16 Mark Twain quotes to get you smiling during Humor Month (April).

1. "Always acknowledge a fault. This will throw those in authority off their guard and give you an opportunity to commit more."

2. "Be careful about reading health books. You may die of a misprint."

3. "Clothes make the man. Naked people have little or no influence on society."

4. "A person with a new idea is a crank until the idea succeeds."

5. "Anger is an acid that can do more harm to the vessel in which it is stored than to anything on which it is poured."

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by Thomas Lindaman

I have an important announcement to make. I’ve talked long and hard with my family and friends about the implications of this decision and they all support my decision.

I will not seek the Presidency in 2008.

By the way, that sound you hear is a collective "Whew!" coming up from around the world. Sure, I have more charisma and common sense than Joe Biden and I’ve done as much as Sam Brownback, who we all know is famous for…that thing he did that one time with that other guy. You know, the guy who always wore pants? But after careful reflection, I’ve decided that I’m not qualified to be President in 2008.

The minimum age to be President is 35. Right now I’m 37, so I meet the age requirement, but I don’t meet an important requirement: I don’t want the gig.

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By Rev. T. Myles Weiss MA MFT

Where’s the Muslim Martin?

Where is the voice of reform that will transform this religion of one billion people?

We need a voice similar to Martin Luther, who challenged the forces of corrupt Christianity. In his day, he dared to call for the end of selling indulgences, that vile practice which enslaved poor families by exchanging their hopes of eternity for their meager finances. The church of his era sold empty promises. Luther demanded change. He spoke out for a more spiritual future for those who followed Christ. He called on leaders to admit their failures and change their ways.

We need a voice like Martin Luther King Jr. who challenged the forces of segregation and spoke up for the civil rights of Black people in America. He used non-violent protest to draw attention to this shameful fact of America’s past. His voice changed our country.

We need a voice like Martin Short, whose self deprecating comedic styling may be instructional for the Muslim world, which seems to have a desperate need for a sense of humor. This ability to laugh at one’s self is seemingly absent from the mentality of mainstream Islam. If it is present, we need to hear it.

We are waiting for the “religion of peace” to demonstrate a self-correcting movement toward moderation.  We are waiting for the masses of Islam to demand corrections to Jihadist theology. We are waiting for the civil rights enjoyed by Muslims in America and Israel to be granted to women, Jews, and Christians, Buddhists and Hindus in Muslim lands.

We are waiting for a humanity enhancing humor that reaches across differences and celebrates the universal human condition by “lightening up” and laughing a little.

We are waiting for Martin.

© Rev. T. Myles Weiss MA MFT 2006

_____

Myles Weiss is a Marriage and Family Therapist, Founder of Trust and Triumph, a successful substance abuse recovery group, and Pastor of Beth Shalom. He serves on the leadership teams and boards of several organizations including The Center for Changing Worldviews, Vertical Call and Beulah Prayer House. As co-host on Middle East Affairs for Changing Worldviews TALK Radio with Sharon Hughes, Myles expresses his passion to promote understanding of the pivotal nature of Middle East politics and the need for peace with security. Myles has conducted marriage and family seminars in Russia, organized outreaches in India and trained ministers in Africa, and received his Masters Degree in Marriage and Family Therapy from Azusa Pacific University. Contact:  mwtherapy@sbcglobal.net .

We live in a changing world…

Sharon Hughes
President, The Center for Changing Worldviews
Host, Changing Worldviews TALK Radio
PO Box 750624
Petaluma, CA 94975-0624
(707)322-3632

Websites: http://www.changingworldviews.com/
http://www.womantalk.us/
Blog: http://changingworldviews.blogspot.com/
Email: sharon@changingworldviews.com
http://www.womantalk.us/

A politically correct humorous look at the record breaking heat this summer in New England.

by Tom Attea

Remember long ago and faraway when tropical rainy seasons only occurred in regions of the world that go by the name tropical?

Now, arrives a new lesson in nature's tough course for the human race, called Global Warming 101.

This summer New England has been drenched by such regular rainstorms that the sodden situation can only be described as just such a season. Virtually every day begins as heavily humid and ends with increasing cloudiness, followed by dashes of wind, the train-like rumble of thunder, Zeus-worthy flashes of lightening bolts, and then yet another downpour, as nature strains to rinse the weighty moisture from its overburdened air.

We ask, in mid-July, if we will see any sky-blue days of summer?

Or must we wait till the cooling days of fall?

And, prospect of prospects, will each year get soggier? Will the tropics ascend as far north as Alaska?

Stay tuned for global warming updates, as they inundate us.

About the author:

Tom Attea, humorist and creator of NewsLaugh.com, has had six shows produced Off-Broadway. Critics have called his writing "delightfully funny," "witty," with "great humor and ebullience" and "good, genuine laughs."

A humorous perspective of the illegal immigration issue in the United States. 

In a startling announcement, President Vicente Fox of Mexico revealed that his nation has solved its immigration problem with the U. S. by requesting annexation as a province of China. As a result of its new status, a plentitude of domestic jobs will be available.

He made the surprise announcement, not during his recent visit to America, but immediately upon returning to Mexico.

Mexicans by the millions cheered the decision, throwing fiestas nationwide, with shouts of “Viva Mexico!” “Viva China!” And the air rang out with the triumphant neologism, “MexiChina, Ole!”

In his address to the Mexican nation, President Fox stated, " Today, I announce that our nation has become a proud province of China. As a result, we will have more than enough jobs to keep our hard-working people employed at home – and in much better jobs than they find as migrant workers in the U. S.”

He went on to explain, “Now, it is time for American companies to invest in Mexico to the same extent that they invest in the rest of China. Finally, it is time for them to take advantage of all the cheap labor right next door. Finally, it is time for Mexico to have countless new factories and, in time, as big a trade imbalance with America as the rest of China. Finally, the label “Made in Mexico” will come to stand for everything from knives and forks to Nikes.”

The Chinese were delighted by the Mexican offer, noting, “Acquiring Mexico as a province is even better than conquering Taiwan. There’s more cheap labor there, and since it’s right in America’s backyard, we’ll be able to save on shipping charges. So we’ll be able to manufacture and deliver goods even more cost effectively than we’ve been able to with our own cheap labor.”

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By Richard Chapo

Like death, paying taxes is inevitable. In the case of most Americans, tax season is just around the corner. If only paying taxes was so easy.

As you begin pulling out those receipts, the eraser and reading plain English tax instructions that Einstein couldn’t figure out, you’re going to need a good laugh. Here you go:

1. I am proud to be paying taxes in the United States. The only thing is – I could be just as proud for half the money.

2. People who complain about taxes can be divided into two classes: men and women.

3. Like mothers, taxes are often misunderstood, but seldom forgotten.

4. The best measure of a man’s honesty isn’t his income tax return. It’s the zero adjust on his bathroom scale.

5. Next to being shot at and missed, nothing is really quite as satisfying as an income tax refund.

6. A tax loophole is something that benefits the other guy. If it benefits you, it is tax reform.

7. Few of us ever test our powers of deduction, except when filling out an income tax form.
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By Britt Gillette

Years ago, Rush Limbaugh coined the term "adult beverages" to refer to alcoholic drinks. Yet millions of dittoheads across the Fruited Plain lacked a guide for making the best adult beverages. So I created The Dittohead's Guide to Adult Beverages, a collection of humorous dittohead recipes such as the Rio Linda Rouser, EIB Ecstasy Elixir, Club G'itmo Guzzler, and many more!

Just try out these great recipes:

DEAD WHITE GUY GINGER ALE

Glass: A Clay Bowl Stolen from Native Americans (by dead white conquistadors)

Ingredients:

1 Part Vodka (a colorless ingredient symbolizing white European oppression)
3 Parts Ginger Ale (containing blood-thirsty, intolerant, white supremacist sugar)
A Splash of White Wine (reminiscent of Napoleonic French imperialism)
A Splash of Lemon-Lime Juice (made from fruit hand-picked by indentured servants)
A Dash of Sugar (due to safety concerns, no brown sugar allowed)

Instructions: While attending a college seminar on multiculturalism, with an emphasis on Native American, Afro-centric lesbian poetry, combine ingredients in a clay bowl stolen from Native Americans. Consume on Columbus Day while attacking white males who have the audacity to continue to breathe.

Origin: This adult beverage is named in honor of Christopher Columbus – a capitalist, European bigot responsible for the death and murder of eighty trillion pacifist, nature-loving Native Americans (and a man whose lone accomplishment was the "discovery" of someone else's backyard).

Special Warning: Under no circumstances should you add brown sugar to this adult beverage, as it is sure to be ravaged and destroyed by the racist, imperialist, homophobic white sugar already present in the ginger ale.
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